


Afraid of my own thoughts

by LullabliesAndDreams



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicide thoughts, Truama, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2020-07-17 23:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19965325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LullabliesAndDreams/pseuds/LullabliesAndDreams
Summary: Days, weeks, months, years... they always say that time can heal all wounds, apperently, my wounds were not included.It has been what? More than a year already? But it still hurts... it hurts so much that sometimes I can’t breath, it’s just so much that sometimes I just want everything to end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just rewatched Skins and got inspired. Gen 2 is always my favorite, how bout you guys? 
> 
> This is juat a short preview. Let me know your thoughts ☺️
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille

_Days, weeks, months, years... they always say that time can heal all wounds, apparently, my wounds were not included._

_It has been what? A year already? But it still hurts... it hurts so much that sometimes I can’t breath, it hurts so much that sometimes I just want everything to end._

_They tell me that I should forgive myself because it was never my fault, that Allison died because of a drunk driver, and not because she tried to follow me to a party she was so against me going._

_I wish it’s that easy._

_But... knowing that she followed me to that party because she was worried for my sake, because she knows that the party was full of ‘shit-guys’ that will take advantage of me once I get drunk... It sounded a lot like my fault._

_For the pass year, Mom forced me to see all kinds of psychiatrist thinking that It’ll help me with the trauma._

_No one and nothing really did helped. I just got good at lying, that put my mom a little bit at ease. She still insist that I go to a psychiatrist because of the nightmares I get every now and then, waking me up in tears, all sweaty, and with a scream that could wake all our neighbors._

_No one knows about my nightmares except mom. My friends... I don’t feel like talking to them about it._

_Besides, telling people how depress you are will only make them feel depress too, and because you don’t want them to feel depress because of you, you’ll console them knowing that it’s actually you who needed it the most._

_There’s was a time that I know I can talk to them about everything, but that changed when everyone moved on from what happened to Allison, and I was left in the past._

_I distance myself from them, at first they were worried and tried to get me out with them more, but like I said, I got good at lying. They also got busy with there relationships that they didn’t bother much anymore._

_It’s not their fault that they’re in love and that I couldn’t move on._

_I don’t know how to move on._

_I don’t want to move on._

_I feel like, if I do... Allison will be forgotten and her existence will not matter. I can’t do that._

_She’s my savior, my angel._

_She made me realize my worth. She taught me things that I will never learn from books and lectures._

_She was my family, my sister._

I rest my head down the tub and slowly close my eyes.

the coldness of the water fading and becoming warm as my blood blends in the water.

Each second passes, I get more and more tired.

Each second passes, I can feel myself fading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I shouldn’t start with a new story yet when I haven’t finish ‘The wolf in sheeps clothing’ buuuuuut... I just need to write this one. Doncha worry, I’ll complete ‘the wolf...’ I PROMISE 👊🏻

It was Allison’s first death anniversary.

I know that Lydia and I have been distant lately because of a lot of things but... I just thought I should be there for her on this day.

This was actually not my original plan for the day. I was planning on taking Malia on a date because things were a bit shaky between us lately.

She just found out that she’s adopted and knowing that her biological mother is alive, she just wants to meet her.

I tried to helped her but a lot of things came along the way and my priorities got fuck up that instead of helping, I messed things up with her.

We’re still together but... I don’t know — we’re just taking our time.

Lydia... she’s one of my closest friend, one of my best friends.

We were not supposed to be friends nor be close with each other, but Allison made it possible when she befriended Scott and eventually dated each other.

Being best friend with Scotts and Lydia with Allison, it gave me the opportunity get to know more about Lydia.

We were both force to hang out with each other because of our best friends, at first she was just annoyed on how spastic I am, but I guess I grown on her because after a few months, she would tell me things that she can’t even say to Allison — she trusted me.

I’m not sure what happened along the way, why we become this distant, but I know something died inside her when Allison died. I’m just stupid to let her hide it and ignored it just because she tried ignored it too.

I suddenly felt ashamed of myself for a lot of things. One, I didn’t realize right away that today’s Allison death anniversary, I only remembered it when I tried to call Scott who’s not picking up his phone then called Kira to ask about Scott that told me he’s at Allison’s grave, and that’s when I remembered.

Second, for being so full of myself.

When Allison died, we were all devastated, especially Lydia. After the burial, she went on a 3 month vacation without speaking to any of us, or even tried to contact. I tried to contact her myself but fail a lot of times

Then Malia came along the way, and for the first time, a girl got romantically interested with me, so I grab the chance and went out with her.

Malia became my distraction in forgetting what happened and all the stressed came with it. She also became my way in trying to forget what I felt for Lydia.

When Lydia came back it’s still pretty evident how wreck she is, but tried to hide it. She won’t talk to us about her vacation and she would often lie about being busy on catching up with her studies that’s why she can’t hang out.

I’m such a stupid person to just let her be, even knowing the lie behind all the smiles she shows, because I was busy with my love life.

It’s the weekend and the weather is nice.

I made the 15 minutes drive to Lydia’s place and starts knocking on her door.

It was quite and nobody seems to be at home but I still tried and called for someone — called Lydia’s name.

After a minute of knocking and no response, I tried calling her phone.

Seconds passes by and no one is answering, so I thought that she might have went to the cemetery as well, but then I saw her car parked at the side of her house so I tried to knock again but no one answered still.

 _Maybe_ _she’s_ _asleep_?

I turned to there back porch, she usually left it unlock for unknown reasons, and in my luck the doors were not locked and I was able to get inside.

I tried to call onto her but there were still no answers so I just decided to go upstairs to her room.

Knocking on her door a sudden bothering feeling consumed me. I don’t know what it meant and I don’t want to find out so I brush it off.

After few seconds of knocking and calling to her, and no one was still answering, I tried to open her door but it was locked.

The uneasiness I brush off earlier came back and got strong, when I heard water rushing out.

I could just think that she might be just showering that’s why she was not answering but my head gives me a different thought — and it is not a good thought.

It didn’t matter anymore if I broke her door, I’ll just think of what to do with that later.

After successfully wrecking the door open I immediately went to her bathroom and saw her in the tub.

Fully clothe, water spilling out — with her blood blending with it. Her head rested at the side of the tub, her eyes close... she looked so dead.

It was a scene I never thought I’ll ever see.

I was all frozen.

All I could think about is that this should not be happening, that I couldn’t let her die. So I kicked myself internally and got to her side.

I checked for a pulse and when I felt one, even though it’s a very weak one, it gave me hope.

I took her out of the tub, find something to cover her wounds to not let her bleed out more than she already is, then carried her down to my jeep and rush her to the hospital.

I didn’t bother to call 911 anymore because she’s losing time, and she already lost a lot of blood, she can’t wait for an ambulance anymore.

The 15 minutes drive to the hospital cut short to 8 minutes as I beat all traffic lights and went over the speed limit.

What’s the use of being the sheriffs son if I can’t do this? Besides, dad will get over all the traffic violation when he finds out what I did it for.

When I got to the hospital, I practically run inside keeping Lydia close, making sure not to drop her, entering all bloodied up making a scene that made most nurses present come running to me.

They quickly realized that the blood was not mine and took Lydia away from me, carefully placing her to a bed and wheeling her to the emergency room.

I stood there frozen, my eyes following Lydia’s body in the bed being wheeled at the emergency room.

All the noises and commotion were tune out off my head, nurses checking on me as well to make sure I didn’t have any injuries. They were asking me questions about what happened but I lose my tongue at the moment.

After Lydia was out of my sight, everything came rushing to me. What just happened finally sinking on my head, everything felt too much.

I black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disclaimer* 
> 
> Mental health is a very serious matter. I didn’t write this to poke fun on anyone, especially those who suffer from mental illness. 
> 
> I, for one suffer from depression and anxiety. I’m not saying that I have a vast knowledge on mental health issue but I understand. I hope a lot of people do as well.
> 
> Well let me know your thoughts.
> 
> Kisses 😘 -Camille


	3. Chapter 3

I startled awake in a hospital room.

A beeping sound welcomed me making me deaf and making my head ache a lot.

Then images of lifeless Lydia came to my head that I jumped out of the bed and came looking for Lydia.

But before I can step out of the room, Melissa — Scotts mom blocked my way and ask where I was going.

I told her I need to see Lydia but she said that she’s in the operating room. I sighs in relief because this means that she’s still alive, might be in critical condition but still — alive, and I’ll pick that any day.

I was out just for 30 minutes, Melissa told me. She said that I was okay, but in a lot of shocked that’s why I passed out.

She asked me to sit down and I comply.

She held my hand and used her thumb to caress the back of my hand and asked me what happened.

Melissa has become my mother figure ever since my mom passed away.

I told her what happened and what I felt.

She didn’t say anything about it because she knew that there is nothing she can say to lighten what I’m feeling. So she just held me close and whispers words like a mother telling her son not to be afraid, that he’s not alone.

Few minutes later my dad came, the worry in his face is pretty evident. Then Scott arrived with Kira, and lastly, Lydia’s mother who rush a flight back to Beacon Hills from San Francisco.

On the 4th hour of us waiting, Scott walk to me and told me how messed up I look — all bloodied and restless. The shirt that I was wearing is still the same one I wore when I found Lydia.

He convince me to get up where I’m seated and change, saying that he has spare clothes at his mom’s locker he kept whenever he comes by and volunteers.

After changing and going back at the waiting room, it was now Mrs. Martin who came to me to talk.

She asked what happened and I told her the same thing I told Melissa. Then she was reminded of what today’s is.

She was sobbing, saying that this is her fault for leaving Lydia all alone on this day.

I would like to console her but, nothing came out of me. I just look down and put all my energy not break down.

If she thinks it’s her fault for leaving her all alone, I took park on the blame for not being there for her.

It took a solid 8 hours for her operation to finished. The cuts she made, made it hard for the doctors to sew her up but luckily they still managed to closed the wounds. 

Mrs. Martin beat me on asking if we can see her but they said, she’s still being wheeled up in a room and that she lost a lot of blood that they need a donors for her blood bag.

All of us followed a nurse that ushered us where we can be check and possibly donate blood. One of the doctor stops me for a moment to tell me that what I did was smart, if I didn’t cover her wounds immediately, it would have been too late for her. 

It didn’t make me feel good. If I was with her much earlier she wouldn’t be here in the first place.

It took us another day before we were let to see Lydia. Of course, her mother we’re allowed immediately after she was settled in a room.

My father took a lot of convincing for me to go home with him and rest for a while since there’s nothing we can do for a moment.

I didn’t get much of a rest anyway, every time I close my eyes, all I see is Lydia in her tub all bloodied and lifeless.

As soon as the sun strike up, I got up my bed and went to the hospital.

Her mom was beside her, trying hard not to fall asleep and holding her hand carefully.

I knock softly letting Mrs. Martin know I was there, she gave me small smiles and told me to come in. I slowly walk towards Lydia and took courage in looking at her bandage hands.

My expression changed when I noticed that both her hands were bind in leather cuffs in both side of the bed.

Before I can even asked the question, Mrs. Martin beat me to it and said, “I don’t like it too, but it’s needed. She attempted —“ she paused for a moment looking only at Lydia’s face. “They said it’s for precautions. Her mind might be unsteady when she wakes up and be on rage.” She finished, fighting to keep a hold of herself.

No one ever thought Lydia is capable of doing this to herself. Everyone sees her as a strong will person because of the attitude she shows.

Another tugged of shame embraced me because before everything falls down, I took pride in letting her know how much I know her and how much I can see through all her act.

I knew there’s something wrong with her when Allison died but I just brush it off, consumed by worries on my blossoming relationship with Malia.

She hasn’t woke up yet. The doctors assured that she will eventually, she just really lost a lot of blood. I took a seat across Mrs. Martin and softly held Lydia’s other hand.

“I haven’t thank you yet for what you did. If itweren’t for you, my daughter —“ she couldn’t finish what she was going to say and I deeply understands her.

Mrs. Martin and I — I know she doesn’t like me as her daughters friend because of my history in getting in troubles but I guess I got points in saving her daughters life. If it weren’t for that, she wouldn’t let me stay here.

A few minutes passed and looking at the very tired Mrs. Martin worried me. I know she won’t leave her daughters side again after what happened but I took my chances in asking her to rest.

“I’ll stay with her.” I started, looking all concerned. “You don’t look so good Mrs. Martin. I know you got here straight from the airport yesterday and I understand that you don’t want to ever leave Lydia sides after what happened —“ I paused for a moment weighting the situation and thinking of what to say further. “But you got to rest, even just for a moment. I’m sure Lydia wouldn’t want to see her mom this tired.”

“I —“

Before she can even argue with me, I cut her off and added, “I promise to you that I won’t leave her side and I’ll call you once she wakes up.”

He look me in the eye, trying to trace a lie in what I said. After few seconds, she let out big sighs and held her daughters face softly, then said, “I’ll be right back honey.”

She slowly stand up but lean down to kiss Lydia’s forehead then take a look at me before going. “I trust you.”

I nodded at her and watched her go.


	4. Chapter 4

_Pain_.

I felt a huge amount of pain all over my body as my consciousness wakes me.

I thought I was already free from this feeling but I guess I was wrong.

This just means I’m not dead yet.

Softly, I tried to move my eyelids open afraid that if I force it, the tugging pain in my body will worsen. I failed and tried again but my body is not listening to me.

Next, I focus my energy in moving my hands. I was able to create small gestures and felt my hand being held by another.

Again, I focused on moving my hand and after a few seconds, I felt someone tightening his grip on my hands.

Then a voice called to me, at first I can’t make a thought who the person is but after a few more calls I was able to recognized who’s the owner of the voice.

 _Stiles_.

Before I completely passed out, I was so sure that I saw his face. I thought I was hallucinating given the fact that I lost a lot of blood.

Slowly, I was able to open my eyes and was greeted with a very tired, very worried, but kinda relief Stiles.

He was calling to me, hugging me, whispering words of relief and gladness that I awoke.

I wince in pain that made him let go of me.

I tried to move my hands to try and find where the pain is coming but was abruptly stop with binds on my hands.

Confusion, anger, and rage envelope me, trying to understand why I’m cuff like an animal and out of my own will.

I tried to get the cuffs off me but was immediately stops by Stiles. “You can not do this to me! Get this thing off me!” I spats angrily, rocking my body back and fort thinking that it may free me from this binds. 

Stiles held me tightly and pull me in a tight embrace trying not to make anything worst.

I can feel the stitches in my hand opening and warm bloods coming out of my wounds as Stiles took notice of it. 

He was saying sorry again and again like it can calm me down, but I was blinded by anger.

I felt him reach for something but still keeping a hold on me.

A few seconds later, doctors and nurses rush inside the room and pull Stiles away from me.

They held me down, pinning me on the bed and telling me to calm down.

Stiles stood a meter away from me, his face covered with tears and worries, still saying his apologies for what’s happening.

One of the nurse injected something on my veins that slowly took my consciousness away.

I tried to fight the hollows that is trying to take me but it’s much stronger than I am.

Eventually, I let the blackness take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever wonder why when it comes to Lydia’s POV, the chapter is short?
> 
> Me too, hahahaha.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts ☺️
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille


	5. Chapter 5

Lydia’s outburst took a huge toll on me.

I called Mrs. Martin immediately and informed her on what happened, and as soon she arrived, I run out of the room finding a bathroom to throw up.

Flushing the disgusting bile, I crouch at the corner of the bathroom letting out a cry.

I never cried like this ever since mom passed away.

All this build up emotions — I don’t like seeing Lydia like this. It hurts... it hurts so much and I feel like any moment, I’ll be losing my mind.

After pouring out my emotions, I convinced myself that I can’t be like this.

Lydia has broken down, I need to be there for her and I won’t be in any help if I can’t keep a hold of myself.

I wipe my tears away and stood up strong.

Because of what happened, the doctors has come into a decision to keep Lydia sedated, making her all weak and asleep all the time.

They have to removed her binds because it’s tugging on her wounds which is keeping her stiches to open even with bandages on.

Mrs. Martin and I came in an agreement of taking turns looking out on Lydia. She got exhausted in reasoning with me, debating that it’s not my responsibility to be there and that my father wouldn’t like me spending all my time in the hospital.

I told her that I agree that it’s not my responsibility to be there all the time, but not being there is messing up my mind, not knowing that she’s well is making me restless. I assured her that my father understands, so she gave it up, besides, it gave her opportunity to have decent rest and fixes things with her work.

It must have been hard being the only parent to care for your child. My mom’s gone a long time ago but at least I have Melissa to look out for me.

Lydia’s father hasn’t replied to any message that Mrs. Martin left him. I know because I would sometimes accidentally walk-on with her in phone telling his former husband with what is happening.

The bastard completely throw his responsibility after his divorced with Mrs. Martin. 

I wish she gave it up like she gave up reasoning with me.

2 days has passed since Lydia’s outburst.

I’m not sure if it has something to do with the sedation, but Lydia would not speak or talk to anyone whenever she’s awake.

I would still try to make conversations though, but all I get from her are lifeless stares.

She’s weak, I know that but... this is worrying me more.

I can feel that something inside her completely left and I don’t know if it’ll come back.

On the third day, I catches Mrs. Martin crying looking sadly at Lydia before I enter Lydia’s room. She quickly wipe it when she notices me.

Worries enveloped me. Is something wrong with Lydia?

“They —“ Mrs. Martin begin, the question I had must have been too visible on my face. She composes herself before continuing, not taking away her eyes off from the peaceful sleeping face of Lydia. “The doctors decided to transfer Lydia in a place that handles her condition in a much better and effective way. It’s —“

“What?” I interjected, disgusted of the thought of Lydia staying in a mental institution. “You can’t let them do this Mrs. Martin! She —“

“I didn’t have a choice Stiles.” She looked at me pointedly, still trying to contain herself.

“She attempted suicide. Her mind is unstable — tha...” she was trembling and stuttering. It pains me see how broken Mrs Martin starting to be. “The doctors have rights to make decisions on their patients even if they are minors, especially the one’s who can be of danger not only to themselves but also to others.” And finally, she wasn’t able to contain herself anymore.

Tears falling out of her eyes uncontrollably, looking all exhausted, not only physically but mentally. Drained by the thoughts of not being able to make the decision for her only daughter.

I want to say something, anything, to argue with her, but my voice won’t come out. I can’t even keep a straight face to show, everything is just fuck up.

“I-I don’t want this for her, you know. I can’t... She’s only what I have.” She returned her look on Lydia who still looks so peaceful sleeping.

She still look so gorgeous — beautiful even with dark circles on her eyes, pale skin, and lips.

I look up, trying to hold my tears but failed.

Why does this keep happening?

Who can we blame for what is happening?

I can’t lose her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer pov for Lydia now that she’s more awake than sedated ☺️
> 
> And ohhh, Eichen house in this story is a nice and a great place (doncha worry 🤗)
> 
> Let me know what you thing guys 😘

My consciousness starting to wake me.

I don’t feel as tired as before but, something is still keeping me down.

I forced my eyes open and look around. The room doesn’t looks the same as I had before and the air seems different.

Glancing outside the window, the eminent of the darkness is slowly creeping in.

 _That_ _peaceful_ _time_ _of_ _the_ _day_.

Looking around again, I finally notices that no one was in the room with me — _such_ _unusual_ _scene_.

Moving my hands were still difficult. _Of_ _course_ , I’m still cuffed in the bed preventing me to try and do something stupid.

Before I can even attempt to remove the thing binding me, even though I understand it’s purpose, it’s annoying me — a woman in white doctor coat entered the room.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You wouldn’t want to be sedated anymore.” She announced, not really stopping me but making it clear on what would happened if I continue. She was looking at me with a smile of interest then walks closer to get a better look at me.

I huff in irritation, looking away from the lady, and then mumbles, “If you’re going to threaten me like that, why still cuff me?”

“For precautions.” She answered. “I’m Morell, one of the head psychiatric doctor here at Eichen —“

“So I’m in an asylum now?” I interrupted, keeping my voice low but giving sarcastic tone.

I heard about this place before.

They said that this place is different, that this place specialize in all kinds of mental illness, of course, I’m one of the best candidate being an attempter of suicide and all.

I’ve been in countless mental institution before to ever believe that bullshit, and I’ve never think being an in-patient is ever good, because being isolated together with people with crack up head will only make you more crazy unlike what this people believe so.

She paused, smiling, like what I said is something she expected. “I’ve read your file. Genius, popular, top of the food chain teen — quite an interesting file. Someone you won’t really believe to end her life.”

 _Sarcasm_. That’s all I heard from her and not really her words.

Isn’t it always like that? People never really expect or believe in something until it just happened. 

That’s what happened to Allison. Everyone thought and knew she’ll have a long life ahead of her, but... she died even before getting halfway the ‘long life’ everyone says.

I was taken from my reverie when Morell tap her shoes then said, “Well, I just passed by to meet you and tell you that we will start our session by tomorrow, I hope you get yourself comfortable here because we’ll keep each other company in the next few days.”

I thought that she’ll offer her hand for a shake, but didn’t. She just stood there for a second and smiles at me then turned to go.

She suddenly stops at the doorframe and looks back at me, “Ohh, and before I forgot. If you want that cuff gone, behave till tomorrow. You’re going to be in a 72 hour monitoring, after that we’ll evaluate if you’re ready for visitor, so if you want to be visited, I won’t do anything unlikely for anyone. If you need anything, there’s a call button on your side, a nurse will come and help you.” She finished then gave her last smile and finally went on her way.

 _Great_ , I sighs.

 _So_ _this_ _is_ _what_ _happened when you’re not successful in ending your life._

This is not so much different from when I had to go to a psychiatrist and support groups the first few weeks that Allison was gone. That 3 months of vacation everyone thought I was in, was actually just me going from one hospital to another and one support groups to another — but at least, I didn’t have cuffs then. I didn’t have anyone monitoring me every damn minute thinking that I’ll try to kill myself again.

Trying to kill myself is not a decision I made just then and there... a lot of things happened. A lot of things that — I stopped my thoughts feeling the warm tear coming out my eyes slowly gliding my cheeks.

I would want to wipe them but the stupid cuffs were on the way, so I just close my eyes and sleep the pain away.

The next day, like what Morell said, my cuffs where gone and my hands were free again.

The nurse that was tending me was so nice, which I didn’t ever though possible in mental institutions.

She gave me a big duffle bag where a lot of my clothes are in and other stuff, obviously it was my mom who packed it for me.

After taking care of my stuff, I was allowed to take a shower but in open doors and supervision of course. I didn’t argue anymore because, one, the nurse is really nice trying to make me understand why it was necessary, and two, I don’t want to get in trouble and invoke my visitation rights, I need to see mom — at least there were shower curtains to cover me.

My first session with Morell was not fun for me. Well to be fair nothings really fun with sessions like this and nothings really fun for me anymore.

She would ask me question that I would only give one word answer, like - yes, no, maybe. I did it to frustrate her, but she show no sign of frustration just some shrugs and smiles.

She would continue to talk to me and make me irritated that my answers to her questions took longer and I would even tell her some things that I won’t actually tell anyone.

It’s like she has some kind of powers whatsoever that made me talk so much.

I really don’t like her — and it’s not because she’s bad, it’s because she’s really good at her job and even though I very much hate to admit it, smart.

After 72 hours of not being in trouble, my mother was finally allowed to visit me.

When she arrived, I can see how much she would like to run up to me and jump in a hug, but she had to contain herself, afraid that she might hurt me — afraid that someone might scold her and take her out.

She would tell me how much she miss me and how much worried she is on the 72 hours she was not able to see me. She also immediately cleared to me that she didn’t have any choice about the transfer of hospital.

She would asked me how I am doing and how I felt at the moment but — There are times were she would stop and stare at my still bandage hands and I know she’s inkling to asked me why I tried to kill myself, but didn’t. She was probably prep beforehand on what’s not and what’s to ask and tell.

I didn’t like the feeling it’s giving me. I didn’t tried to force her to say it too because she looks tired physically and mentally. She’s also starting to look much older than her age now... she never look like that, there are times that people mistake her only as my older sister. What happened to me took a huge toll on her, and everything was my fault.

“Stiles, he never left your room and even —“

“Hows Stiles?” I interrupted. As soon as I hear his name from mom’s story, I immediately remembered my out burst the first time I woke up.

He looks broken looking at me.

Those times that he tried to communicate with me when I was in so much drugs and sedation, I would only stare at him blankly and not talk, afraid that I might say something I don’t mean.

I still don’t know what to feel on how he save my life but I know that I don’t want him hurting.

“He’s okay, he’s fine — that guy... he won’t stop bothering me about visiting you and all but — the doctors said that they might allow him to visit tomorrow.” She announce, smiling at the thought and hoping to get an excited reaction from me.

I don’t feel excited. I don’t want him here, I don’t want him seeing me like this — but all I could do is give a small smile to my mom and make her think that everything is going great.


	7. Chapter 7

It was early saturday morning that I started packing clothes and other stuff on my small duffle bag, getting ready to drive down to Eichen house to be the ‘support buddy’ of Lydia.

Yep, I manage to stressed the people in Eichen to have a support buddy for Lydia to get better much quickly.

It was not easy to pull, they were so against the idea because they haven’t done a support buddy outside the institute. Supports buddy has always been another patients on the institute.

Morell — Lydia’s psychiatrist finally gave the idea a good look after a week of Lydia’s stay there. She agreed but in a lot of conditions, first would be, I have to stay there like a patient which I have no problem, at least I’ll be near Lydia. Second, I can’t talk to her about the suicide attempt and her out burst, which I reluctantly agreed on.

There are still a lot of conditions but I didn’t care much, as long as I can be with Lydia.

I heard footstep coming outside and going towards my room, I didn’t bother to turn and look who it was, and just assume it was dad coming home from his night shift work.

“Dad, did you get the note I left?” I asked still studying the stuff I have on the duffle bag.

When I didn’t get a response from him that’s when I turn back and got surprise, looking at the person standing at my door frame. “Malia.”

“Hey.” She greeted, walking inside, giving small wave of her hand and nervous smiles.

After the incident with Lydia, I have completely forgot about Malia, and haven’t talk to her for more than a week at all.

Guilt slowly creep on me on the thought that she is still my girlfriend, yet I have ignored her for days.

“Sorry for coming uninvited, I just... I need someone to talk too...” She started but paused when she saw the duffle bag I have on the bed and other things laying there. “You look like you’re going somewhere.” She said that sounded more like a question than a statement.

“Malia... I —“ I started but cut off like She already know what I’m going to say.

“I heard what happened... with Lydia. Is she doing okay?”

“Getting better.” I tried to look at her but guilts been hugging me that I place my stare at the ground and fiddle with my fingers.

I didn’t know what to say anymore or if I should say anything so I stayed quiet. It took a minute before Malia broke the silence.

“I found my mom. She’s — I found that she’s living in Mexico so, I drive down there to see her, and I did see her.” She paused for a second, waiting for me to look at her and gave her sympathetic eyes and understanding expression, but all I gave her was guilt look. She continue, “Sh— she didn’t recognize me... you know, I always thought that being a mother mean knowing your children no matter what, guess I was wrong.” She was trying to laugh but sadness and loneliness is evident in her voice.

She walk closer to me and both place her hand on my face, lock in my eyes, and silently pleading. “And I was wrong on how I treated you back on those days where you were just trying to help, so I’m sorry. I really, really am sorry Stiles, cause now I need you.”

I didn’t know what to say, I don’t want to hurt her but... all I could think about is Lydia and how she needs me.

“Lydia needs me more.” I confessed, taking her hand away from my face and stepping back. I was looking down in guilt then looking back at her, thinking on what to say to her. “Before even all this things happened, before even you found out about your mom, your real mom... we both knew that we are not working, but we choose to keep holding on our relationship not wanting to let go of our happy and glorious days.”

I paused composing the words I want go convey, “Malia — you don’t really need me, in fact you don’t need anyone, even your biological mom to validate and tell you what and who you’ll be, because you already know who and what you want to be. You’re more stronger than you think — more stronger than you pretend to be and I’m so glad that you loved me even with all the flaws I have, but we should end it.”

Her eyes starts to water and it pains me so much, knowing that I cause it, but this is how it should be.

I gave her time and stood in silence. She softly wipes her tears away and looks at me in strongly.

“Okay, okay.” She started, “We’re only ending our relationship but not our friendship right?” She asked, which I gave nods for answer and a chuckle that lighten the scene seeing she’s starting to form a smile. “Because like I said, I still do need you. Maybe not right now but in other things.”

Both of us laugh and look wistfully at each other, when sudden tears comes runner her eyes again. “Come here.” I said as I open my arms for her to take and engulf her in a tight embrace.


	8. Chapter 8

“You’ve been giving a very good record for the pass few days, like a very good student you are.” Morell announce as she looks at a folder on her table, from the papers on it.

“You’re saying something good but it doesn’t sound anything good.” I mumble softly, feeling that there are meaning in between what she was saying.

Pretty sure she heard what I mumbled clearly, because she closes the folder and looks at me with a coy smile.

“I’ve contacted all the other institution you’ve attended, as well as those support groups you’ve join. Your result there is awfully showing the same here — “ she paused, stressing on the word ‘here’, then sighs, “you’re falling in the same pattern Lydia.”

 _What_ _do_ _you_ _want_ _me_ _to_ _do?_ Something I wanted to say but kept quiet. I kept my stare on my hands fidgeting and tugging on a loose tread on my sleeves.

“You never really talk to anyone since you got here.” She paused, trying to chase for eye contact.

“I talk to you... no, let me rephrase that. You make me talk to you even when I don’t want to. You even make me say things I don’t want to say.” I countered, letting my last sentence out as a whisper.

“You do... and I’m you’re doctor so.” She places both her hand on the table leaning forward, “Usually, we pair our patients to one another, to form a support buddy. A person that will always be there for you on your whole stay in here, but we don’t force the pair. We asked who are they comfortable with, and we go from there. But you, young lady, doesn’t talk to anyone except your nurse or your doctor. So... we’ve arranged someone as your support buddy.” She finished, giving me another smile.

“And what if I don’t what this ‘support buddy’ you’ve arranged?” I might have raise one of my eyebrow on her because her smile twitch, like she wanted to laugh but contained herself.

“We’re not asking for your permission Lydia. I’m letting you know what you need to know.” She replied, which only made me glare at her.

“This is just something like kindergarten, you can handle it.” Morell stood up from where she was seated and round to me, telling me I can go and I’ll see this support buddy person later on.

In annoyance, I stomped out of her office but stops after closing the door, thinking that I should have asked more question about the support buddy.

A _support_ _buddy_... haaa, that’s a new tactic.

I was pacing slowly at the hallway, my mind floating elsewhere, trying to crack the reason behind this ‘support buddy’ decision.

Till I heard a familiar sound, or voice rather.

I paces a bit faster to find where the voice is coming from, and when I turned at the corner of the hall, I was stun and surprise to who I saw.

‘ _Sorry! I really am sorry. I was looking for something ans was spacing out because I’m really nervous that I —‘_ he was mumbling too much but stopped when he took notice of me.

“Sti —“ before I can even finish the word, Stiles run to me, dropping his stuff, and envelope me in a tight embrace.

It’s pretty evident in his tight but shaky embrace, that his nervous and afraid that hemight be hurting me but still continued anyway. Guess his need to be up-close and feel that I’m real and alive is much greater than his nerves and fear.

Mint and something earthy. I took in his scent, the scent that I been very familiar with for a long time, and the scent that I’ve miss for a long time now.

I loosen up and slowly creep my arms on his back to return the hug and buried my face on the crock of his neck.

He sniffs and tried to contain his cry but failed as I felt warm tears on my shoulders.

I let him cry.

I let him do whatever he feels he needs to do to calm him down.

After a minute or two, he slowly detach himself from me — not looking me in the eye, embarrass on his cry.

I softly place my hand on his face and urge him to look at me. His usually honey — whiskey eyed, are now bloodshot red.

He looks tired, exhausted even. The bags and dark circle around his eyes were a solid proof of it, and he’s much paler now.

‘ _If anything bad happens to you Lydia, I’ll literally lose my fucking mind!’_

How long has it been since he said that to me?

I gave him a smile to tell him that it’s okay — that I’m okay.

At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter.
> 
> I really can’t promise longer chapter for this series. Sorry 😔
> 
> But I do hipe you all liking where the story is going. 
> 
> Thanks for the hits and kudos 🥰
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. It took more than a week to post an update for this fic.
> 
> I hope this chapter compensates the long wait (if anyone is ever waiting 😂).

I know it’s still early but I just couldn’t wait. 

After saying goodbye to my father who looked at me with concerns and worries in his eyes, he still wish me goodluck and tried his hardest to be supportive. 

I thank all saints and gods to have a very understading father like him.

Getting inside Eichen is not as hard as it was before since I’m going to be one of their resident here now.

 _Eichen’s_ _different_.

That’s what I told myself, or at least that what I convince myself Eichen is.

I’ve reasearched about this institution, and I did not see any bad article or comments about them.

The first time I set foot on this place, I always thought it look more like a garden hotel than a mental institute. If not for the roaming nurses, patients in hospital clothes and doctors, you’ll really mistake the place for a hotel. 

They also make the place seem so homey, I don’t know how they do it but it does feel relaxing.

But even with all of this, I can’t help but have irrelevant thoughts of Lydia not doing well or being treated right here, or worst, her being abuse. I will never forgive anyone who will even think of hurting her, or even just the slightest touch of her perfect strawberry blond hair.

I was cut off from my thoughts when I accidentally knock a nurse holding a tray of meds.

I lean down to help her immediately, “Sorry! I really am sorry. I was looking for something and was spacing out because I’m really nervous that I —“ I was rambling, and just saying all words that come in mind. I felt like someone was watching us — _me_ , that I snap a look in front of me.

 _And_ _there_ _she_ _was_.

Standing, staring at me with a little smile on her face.

The world felt like it stop in that moment, yet felt rush, though I know that’s not possible.

She looks a little bit better now.

Her color’s coming back, her hair’s washed and softly shining, the bags under her eyes now fading, she lose a bit of weight but she has more life in her now.

Her eyes... there still something different but she’s not that lost anymore. 

_She’s_ _doing_ _well_.

And I can’t believe I’m seeing her again after those dreadful days.

I couldn’t contain myself and run towards her, enveloping her in a tight embrace.

I was shaking, afraid that I might be hurting her from my tight embrace, but I need to feel her, I need to know that this is real, that _she_ is real.

I felt her loosen up from my embrace, her hands softly caressing my back, as she buries her face on the crock of my neck.

_She’s real — she is real! And she’s alive and well._

I couldn’t contain myself anymore and broke down in tears. I didn’t like crying but I didn’t care at that moment, I’m just so glad she’s doing well.

After what felt like a very long time, I let go of her looking at the ground, feeling embarrass now on how I cried... It was so un-manly.

It startled me a little bit when she place her hand on my face, urging me to look at her.

She was caressing my face, givinng me small smiles, and without words coming out of her mouth, she’s telling me she’s finally okay.

But...

There really is _something_ _missing_.

Our moment were cut when Morell called to get our attention.

”Pretty early for our meeting Mr. Stilinski.” She announce, looking quickly on her watch. 

She was smiling at us, like she’s seen something fascinating, I couldn’t really decipher it much.

Lydia softly put her hands down and I wince at the lost of contact. She slightly turn to Morell but didn’t really look at her — she’s annoyed. She then steps pass me and walk wherever, not saying anything.

I figured not to pester yet, as Morell ask me to follow her at her office.

Morell reminded me about the do’s and don’t, she also given me the usual routine of the institute.

She told me that I’m free to see Lydia whenever I want to, that this will be like us living together in a enormous house.

Morell also told me that since I just can’t follow her all time, I might as well volunteer on the children’s ward to be ‘at least useful’, her exact words by the way.

I wasn’t quite listening on her riddle words. I hate to admit it but Morell’s really smart, she can make you talk and make you believe on something, like she have some kind of hypnosis powers. 

It’s a good thing she doesn’t really push on things. She would just smile at you like she already know what you are thinking and that you’re thoughts fascinates her, which is weirds in a lot of ways.

After talking to me, she called someone to lead me to my room. The room I’ll be staying at for the next two weeks.

The room was nice and cosy, just... privacy is not a thing here. Doors are doesn’t have locks, the bathroom doesn’t have a door but they at least have shower curtains, there were big window to see outside and inside. 

But those were not really problems.

”Well as you might figured, this is a patient room. So if you need anything, there’s a button there that you can click.” The nurse said, pointing at the green button near the bed.

I just nodded at her and watched her as she goes back to her rounds. “Sorry, I forgot to asked —“ I stopped her, standing at the doorframe. “Where’s Lydia’s room?”

”Just the end of the hall, dear.” She said with a lovely smile, then goes on her way.

After the nirse is gone, there’s this heavy feeling I suddenly felt. _Overwhelm_ , _maybe_? 

I can’t believe that I’m really staying in a mental institution. 

I breathe out heavily and let out all the tension, and reminded myself on why I’m here.

 _This_ _is_ _for_ _Lydia_. 

I said the worlds like some kind of a mantra. 

I sigh again and allowed myself to take time and process everything. I let down my stuff and think.

After taking my time and fixing my stuff, I gathered confidence to see Lydia.

Our rooms are end to end with each other so when I went out, I already can see that her doors were wide open, showing her sitting on her bed facing her window.

At first I thought she was looking out the window, watching something, but as I get closer, she’s actually looking down on something — she was reading a book.

I couldn’t see her face or her expression but I can tell that there’s something off, like she’s in some kind of discomfort.

I stopped on her doorframe, knocking, trying to get her attention, but she didn’t look at me. I know she can hear me but she’d rather ignore woth unknown reasons.

Knowing that she’ll just ignore my call, I entered her room without asking anymore and walk almost in front of her.

 _Yeah_ , _she_ _is_ _reading_.

It was a think book, probably in a different language that I don’t speak off.

I suddenly had flashbacks of the times that she surprise me reading archiac latin, telling me that she just got bored in classical latin.

She’s so smart that I could kiss her, but of course didn’t.

The more I get to know her the more I got afraid that if I confess she might avoid me for the rest of our life — I’m just so afraid of losing her that I kept a safe distance between us, not realizing that I was actually already losing her.

“Why are you here Stiles?” Started from my reverie, I kept a stare on Lydia.

She was not looking at me, she was still reading and waiting for my answer. 

Her tone was not asking question about me being in her room but in totally on why I’m in the institute.

”Why not?” I answered simply that got me a reaction from her, snapping an annoyed look on me.

”Well you’re not insane like me, so why are you here?” She pointed, sarcasms hanging on her tone.

”You’re not insane _Lyds_.” It sounded more sadly that I intented. 

The gladness that she had when she first saw me, now all gone.

“Yeah, I just happen to attempt ending my life.” She bark a laugh. 

That took me of guard, I didn’t know how to respond. _She’s_ _speaking_ _lightly_ _of_ _her_ _life_ _now_.

I look down and and started to fiddle with my fingers.

”Stiles if you’re here because you feel guilty or somehow felt responsible, please — just please, go home now. I don’t need that... I don’t need you.”

 _I_ _don’t_ _need_ _you_.

Her tone changes from sarcasm and attacks, to sadness and plead, but despite that, her words came out to me like a loud thunder, repeatedly roaring and scaring the child inside of me.

“I need you —“ I said with my voice cracking. I feel like I’m about to cry but I contained myself. I look down sadly, breath in and...

_I need you like you needed me when Allison died._

_I need you like you need me when no one was there to hear your cries when you’re missing your best friend._

_I need you like a tank of oxygen for me to breathe right._

_I need you like the moon needed the sun._

_I need you..._

_I need you to keep me sane Lydia, and if something happens to you again and I lose you — that would mean losing my life... that would be losing the love of my life._

_I love you so, so much, Lydia Martin._

That can’t even be enough to explain how much I need her, and I really, _really_ want to say this, at least, but, somewhere in my head tells me not to.

So I just settled with, “remember, when I said that I’ll lose my mind if something bad ever happens to you?” I pause for a second looking at her, trying to find in her eyes if she still remember what I told her before, and finding in her that she still do, “That’s still true Lydia... so I’m not really doing this just because I feel guitly, or that I feel responsible for you. I need you.” I finished souded more like a plead.

Actually, if she wants me to — I’ll happily beg and plead to her, I’ll even go down on my knee just so she let me be by her side. But I know that she won’t appreciate that and I’ll only make her angry.

She stood up, almost making me jump, and she stood closer to me. She then grab my hands and look me in the eye.

”Stiles... I don’t want you here. Or at least I don’t want you to see me here. It’s different — I’m different.” She paused, trying to look for some kind of understanding in my face, in my eyes. 

“I understand, but... I can’t be away from you Lydia — I can’t... not anymore.”

She bite her lips in frustrastions, not really liking my rock decision. She then let go of my hand, sighs, and sat down on her bed, grabbing the book she has forgotted few minutes ago and ignoring my existence.

I sighs to myself, kinda knowing that this is a reaction I could get. Lydia has that wall again, not wanting anyone to see her in distress, in her lowest, and in her weakest.

I let it slid for now and went back to my room.

It was an eventful day, with Lydia and all the work to be familiarizes with the institute, as well as my volunteering job on the childrens ward.

It was sad that there are parents who’ll dump their mentally incapacitated childrens to a mental institution but also kinda understand. 

This institute has best facilities and people to take care of the childrens.

I was taught and was able to learn a lot of things.

What they didn’t told me was that the walls are not thick enough to tune out the screams of the patients with nightmares and devils in there head.

It’s like all those warm and calmness I felt and saw from the morning were gone like a bubble.

This is what darkness do to you, led you to think that there’s something, a frighting monster if you may think — to get you.

That thought made me shiver and I come to a realization that I might not get any sleep. _A great first day in a mental institution._

Another scream were let out and I sigh in discomfort, but then it felt like the scream is coming from someone I know, calling me without speaking my name.

I almost jump out off my bed and run towards Lydia’s room.

And on opening her door, I was greeted with Lydia screaming like _bloody_ _murder_ , telling someone to stop, and sobbing greatly.

I run to her and embrace her, telling her that _I_ _have_ _her_ , _she’s_ _alright_ , _I’m_ _here_ and that _it’s_ _just_ _a_ _nightmare_ , but she’s not stopping — it’s like she doesn’t see me.

I couldn’t understand what was happening. 

A minute later, a nurse barge in telling me to just hold Lydia still, as she inject something on Lydia’s arm. 

It was sedation to calm her quickly and let her go back to sleep.

While she sleeps, I ask if I can stay with her and the nurse just nodded in a tight smile, like she’d seen this kind of stuff before and it’s doesn’t really end well. 

I shake off the thought and stay seated next to Lydia, holding her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter right? A firstfor this series 😂 
> 
> Well I hope you enjoyed 🥰 
> 
> Kisses 😘 -Camille


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already written this on my other fic but just in case...
> 
> Next week, I’ll be starting to work on this job that I’ve be waiting to be a part of for so long, so this means I’ll be really busy and I won’t be able to update as fast a before. 
> 
> I hope nobody hates me for this. I promised to finish my fics and I will do that, just please hang in there guys 😘
> 
> Again, thanks for all the hits and kudos.
> 
> Love and kisses 🥰😘 — Camille

_It was dark, then it wasn’t._

_There were lights in front of me that is calling, screaming at me to follow, and I did._

_The light suddenly faded, and I was suddenly in a car._

_I recognized the car._

_It’s Allison's._

_I tried to decipher what the hell was going on but... nothing makes sense._

_Then suddenly, Allison’s inside the car and started driving._

_’Godammit Lydia! Answer your damn phone!’ Allison_ _shouted in frustrations. She kept on dialing my number but it goes directly to my voicemail._

_She was fidgety and so worried, biting her lower lips that looks like it’ll bruise._

_’Allison I’m here!’ I tried to call her attention, but it’s like she doesn’t see or hear me — It’s like I’m not even there._

_I tried, and tried to get her attention but failed._

_When she took a turned on a road, and as I recognized where she was heading, things suddenly click to me._

_She’s going to that party to get me. She’s going to —_

_‘No, no, no! You have to turn back Allison! You have to stop! Please! Plea —‘_

_Then everything went slow-motioned as a truck hit her car and made it flips off the road multiple times._

That’swhen I woke up screaming like bloody murder, sobbing, and breathing hard.

Stiles barge in my room to relax and calm me but it didn’t work. 

I couldn’t hear him.

All I hear is the sound of the crash made when that truck hits Allison’s car.

It was the first time in months that I dreamed of Allison again.

“So... I heard about the little fiasco last night.” Morell started, looking at me for some answers but I didn’t give her one. “Can you tell me what is it about.” She tired again, but I didn’t answered, I couldn’t —

”I don’t remember.” I said, trying to avoid the subject.

”hmmm.” She hums, not pushing the subject anymore and written something on the her papers.

”Well, I guess your _support_ _buddy_ is proving useful. One night and we already got a new reaction from you.” She remarked, giving me smiles that looks like she got the outcome she wants.

That made me scoff in annoyance, “So what, this your plan? Lock up a perfectly mental capable teenager on this mental institution, just to get a reaction from me?”

She was not even the slightest shaken off my comment, she just put down her pen and close her folder.

”We didn’t lock him up Lydia, he can go home whenever he want... but of course, he has to undergo in a psychological test first. Staying at a mental institution can do something to you, and of course you know that.” She shot back to me, making me wince.

“Shouldn’t you be happy? Knowing that you have a friend who’s very much willing to sacrifice their mental health — their life, to keep yours.” She added. 

_Happy? How can I be happy knowing that I’m ruining someone else’s life because I can’t keep a hold on mine?_

”I can see in your face that, that is exactly why you don’t like this set-up.” I flinch on her sudden comment, looking at me like she can read my face.

She the continues, “Of course, you already have one friend who sacrifice her life for yours, you can’t afford to lose another one anymore” I was already glaring at her, and if looks can put at hole in someone’s face, this will be that look. 

“Allison... that her name right?” I snarl at the mention of Allison’s name.

”Dont —! Say Allison’s name like you know her —“ I warn, not liking were the conversation is going.

Morell just gave an empty look and wait for me to say anything else.

I slam my hands on the armchair and said, ”I’m done here.” Then turn around and walk away. 

I thought she was going to stop me or called me off but she didn’t, she just let me walk away.

When I got back in my room, Stiles was there, looking on the books I have in the desk beside my bed.

He pick one book and started grinning, like he remembers something — _a_ _memory_. 

I cleared my throat to let him know I was there.

He snap a look at me and put his hand up then say hi.

I sighs and tried to ignore him, sitting on my bed and burying my face on my palms, trying to calm my head from my session with Morell.

”The session didn’t go well?” He asked, sitting down next to me but putting some space to make me feel not invaded.

I turn my head on him and look at him from head to toe.

He’s looking like he feels at home but he has big bags and dark circle on his eyes from the sleepless night.

”What are you doing here Stiles?” I asked.

”Checking on you.” He answered simply but the hurt in his voice is showing. 

It’s not like I want to hurt him, I just can’t help myself... I still don’t want him here.

I look on his face and tried to remember the times when he’s one of the person I lean into when Allison’s not available — how he make me feel safe and at home.

But instead of remembering those, I remember the times when I wanted to tell him everything — how I feel about everything and anything, but... he was suddenly busy and preoccupied.

It’s irrational really, but I always thought he’ll always put me first.

Thing is, when I started to notice my feelings for him, he started falling for someone else.

I always tell myself that it’s not his fault, I just... I don’t know. 

I couldn’t turn to Allison because she’s dealing with her own problems that time — with Scott and her family. I couldn’t let me add to her worries. 

So I turn to going to bunch of parties, hook-up, booze, I even done drugs.

Allison took notice of it and got really worried.

And that’s when all the problems begone.

I couldn’t help but remember what Jackson told me before. _I ruin everything and anything that I touch._

The thought made me wince, and when I felt a warm hand on top of mine, I almost flinch. 

Stiles was holding my hand, giving me sad looks like, he can read what I was thinking.

I turn my hand so that we’re palm to palm. I softly intertwined our fingers together and sighs at the feeling of warm in his hand.

’ _he should let go of me’_ I thought, but instead he grips my hand tighter, like he’s trying to tell me something and couldn’t put it into words. 

I move closer move closer to him and embrace him. 

It felt like he needed it — _I needed it._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeyyyyy ~~~ 
> 
> After slaving myself to my fics to post another chapter before I become a ‘slave of the society’, here’s the result;
> 
> My chapters in this fic is getting longer - don’t you guys just love that? (Shameless self applaud 😂)
> 
> Anyways... I tried my best in editing, correcting my grammar, punctuations, and my spellings, but every time I real it, there’s always something wrong soooo... Sorry if there’s still some mistakes.
> 
> I hope you’ll love this chapter.
> 
> Kisses 😘 -Camille

Our embrace didn’t took long.

Lydia let go of me like she just got burn from something, I couldn’t understand it.

I wanted to ask her what’s wrong and why she reacted like that, but it felt somewhat wrong.

I tried to held her hand again but she avoided my touch. 

These push and pull of emotions and feelings are starting to get on my nerves and pissing me off.

I get up from where I’m seated and go back to my room because I don’t want to do or say something rash that I will probably regret later.

I can’t help but kept thinking of how she held me just few minutes ago.

It felt like a cry of help but she’s still reluctant to really ask for it, like it’s a sin to do so.

”You really believe all these is working? Even though she’s putting more walls between us?” I asked with so much confusion as Morell explains to me the progress we are making as I continue to become Lydia’s support buddy.

”Her nightmares seem to be getting worst too.” I added.

It’s been 3 days now since I started to stay here. All those night, where I would try to sleep but suddenly get startled awake from Lydia’s screaming and sobbing. 

Last night, I was able to at least make her stop from screaming, with that, they didn’t have to put her in sedation, it made me ease a bit.

I stayed with her the whole night enveloping her with tight hugs as she cries and tell me to never let go till she falls asleep. But as soon as she wakes up in the morning she’s back to her cold self, it’s alright though, I’m starting to get a hang on her mood swings.

”I won’t convince you to believe it, It is what it is.” Morell just simple said, then dismissing our meeting.

I went to the childrens ward after knowing that Lydia have some kind of group sessions.

I kinda like this part of the day. I don’t really like kids, especially the one’s who don’t know how to listen and are being too loud, but looking and learning from the nurses working in this part of the institution and being given some kind of perspective about the kids, I couldn’t help but care.

I guess it’s to keep me grounded as well. Helping this kids brings some kind clarity in my head and I kind of made some connection to the kids.

Like this kid name Brian, I’m teaching him how to play a ball. I’m not so good myself but at least I know the basic, or at least I know how to teach a kid how to throw a ball.

I was clapping my hands and pulling my best ‘proud face’ when Brian successfully throw the ball high enough to at least hit the ring when I saw Lydia looking at us with some warmth in her eyes.

“Hey buddy, bring the ball back to nurse Andy and tell her about how you were able to throw the ball, okay?” The kid nodded happily to me and went on his way.

I look at Lydia as she slowly walk towards me, standing in the middle of the court.

“Hey.” She greeted.

“Hey.” I greeted back, when I heard a sudden laugher from the kids which made me snap a look at them.

“I never thought you like kids.” It sounded somehow like a question. She was watching the kids as well, looking at them in wistful thinking.

“Well, these kids are different. They needs all kinds of love, care, and understanding, it would not kill me to give them some.” I told her, as both of us snap a look at each other.

She was smiling with a hint of sadness, I don’t exactly know where the sadness is coming from.

“Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to still be in your group session?” I asked, turning to her fully, realizing the time.

She turned to me and gave a smirk, “I told them that I’ll be using the bathroom, I don’t plan to come back though... So you could say that I have escape the dread of staying there, sitting for a long time, and listening to their sad stories.” She then let out a chuckle.

“Sounds like high school.” I didn’t really intend to say that out loud, but it came out, so I just let out a chuckle.

“You could say that, except all the students were all screw up that tried to kill themselves.” She says, like everything is just some kind of a joke — a useless joke.

It’s painful how she thinks nothing really make sense, and that everything is useless,, that nothing really will help her fix her condition.

The pain inside I’m feeling must have shown on my face and expression as she breathe out loud and said “Sorry.”

“Are you, really?” I said, in a very reprimanding tone. I was surprise with myself too, I thought I was able to finally master the trick to holding my mouth and tongue with her, but I guess I was wrong. “If you’re really sorry Lydia, you won’t ever think of saying those words again.”

She’s pissed, I can definitely see that in her face, but there are other feelings showing in her expression.

“You know... it true, I’m always sorry that I’m somehow the cause of your hurt and pain right now, but I’m never going to be sorry saying this things and wanting you to go home. I told you, I’m different here, so please — just please go home.” She was trying to plead again.

She sincerely doesn’t want me to be here. “I can’t — I told you that I can’t, not anymore” I look down, avoiding her eyes, because I might say the words I’m safely keeping for so long.

“Why? Stiles — you told me that, you’ll lose your mind if something happens to me, I don’t think they’ll allow something to ever happen to me here.” She paused for a second, waiting for me to say something, anything, but I didn’t.

“Isn’t it enough to know that I’m at least alive and well?” She tried again.

There’s no point on keeping it anymore.

No matter what the result of this conversation, I’ll stay — no matter what, I’ll be there for her — I’ll love her. So I look straight in her eye and wholly told her, “No Lydia, I’m not leaving until I see for myself that you’re okay — until I see for myself that you’re you. I need to be here, I need to be near you, I need you.”

“Why Stiles? Wh —“

“Because I love you!” I shouted, It kinda felt the only sound in the place, like for a second everything stops, except us.

She was looking at me with so much confusion, like what she heard is such an impossible thing to ever happened.

“You...” she started, but I didn’t gave her the chance.

“I love you since before and I’m in love with you now — I will always love you, Lydia. So you can convince me all you want, push me all you want, but I’ll never go away, I’ll never leave you, not anymore.”

She place her gaze down after, looking like she can’t grasp in her head what she just heard — what I just confessed.

I can’t believe that this strawberry blond goddess with 170 plus IQ and perfect photographic memory, is having a hard time to understand what I just said.

She would try to say something but then close her mouth again, struggling with what to say.

_It_ _made_ _me_ _laugh_ _inside_ , I gotten to accept long time ago that she will never return my feelings but still... it stings in the heart.

“I don’t need you to tell me you love me too Lydia, or even feel sorry for me for not feeling the same. I’ve gotten to accept that long time ago, just please — please let me love you.” I told her.

She finally returned her gaze on me. Her eyes were watering but she’s trying to contain it.

When one tear fell off, she started laughing but crying at the same time.

_Shit_ , I think I broke her more.

I was kind of panicky when she finally said something. “We could have save tons of hurt and heartaches, if we had only told what we felt for each other long time ago.” She’s wiping her tear and stopping her cries, her laugh is still hanging behind.

It took me a few second before her words processed on my brain. “Wait, are you saying —“

“I started to feel the same when you started to feel something for Malia.” She cut me, finally stopped her tears and looking at me with a sad smile. “I couldn’t ruin that for you, you’ve waited so long for me.“

_She_... _that_ _long_? How — how didn’t I notice...

No — I think I did know, I was just so afraid to confirm it to her like how she is.

I’m feeling gloom but I stand to what I told her, “I’ll always choose you Lydia.”

“You didn’t have to.” Her smiled stings, I let her continue, “I’m now more of a lost cause than before, Stiles... would you still want me?”

Is that even a question? I’m here right? _Fuck_ — “I will always want you. I’ll always want everything that comes with you.” I said with all certainty and convictions.

I thought she’ll say something still, but she didn’t. She just stared at me, looking deeply in my eyes, trying to find some kind of lie.

She then started nodding saying “Okay... okay.”

The warmth in her gaze was so genuine and she truly believe me.

I not sure where this leave our relationship but I’ll take whatever she’ll allow me.

She gave me a hug that felt like a promised for tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellow 😂
> 
> My work was move on a unknown date, so... I’m free still, and since I have nothing better to do, TADAAA! Another chapter everyone ☺️

_Another_ _scream_ , _another_ _cry_.

That is what’s keeping me awake at night.

These has been the fifth night since she started having her nightmares.

I thought that after what we have talk about, after learning that she had the same feelings for me too, she’ll finally tell me what’s happening in her head — but she didn’t.

 _Well_ _at_ _least_ , she don’t look at me like a dirt anymore that she wants to get rid off, or snarl, dissed, and be annoyed at all the time.

She now let me hold her hand without a stinging feeling of rejection... embrace her, laughs at my jokes and my made-up nonsense stories.

She even asked me to stay in her room for the night, and she reasoned that it helps her sleep fast — but it doesn’t keep the nightmares away.

I’m sorta feeling kinda useless. 

She had been quietly sleeping for quite a while now. It gave me the confidence to fall asleep too, but as soon as I let myself fall unconscious, her screams filled the whole room.

“Hey... hey —“ I was rubbing her back to calm and relax her. “I got you, I’m here — it’s just a dream.”

I’m a bit glad that she would stops her scream now as soon as she feels realoze I’m there, because that kept the nurses from barging in the room and gaving her sedations.

 _Stopping_ _her_ _cry_ is a different story though.

She would cry longer than an hour without really saying anything, and if she do say something, it’ll be the same plead of keeping hold of her and not letting go.

Being together with her in the same room, in the same bed all night, hugging her, and keeping her warm... it would have given me a heart attack few year ago, but right now, all I ever think is how to chase these nightmares away, because it’s slowly eating her life and I can even do anything about it.

The way she breathes hard looks really painful, how her chest goes up and down like it’s chasing air.

How long will it takes before the nightmare faded or at least get less.

I guess this is what she meant about not wanting me here — it’s painful seeing someone you love hurting and not being able to do anything about it.

 _I_ _wonder,_ if this is what my father felt with my mother.

I just wish she would tell me what’s on her mind, what she’s really feeling — I want to know, I need to know.

“Lydia —“ I started, getting her attention.

She just stops crying few minutes ago, I would thought that she’s back to sleeping but she’s been playing with the fabric of my shirt, near my chest.

I took her hand and held it against mine, sitting up as she follows and let her know that I wanted to talk.

“Do you trust me?” I asked, not looking in her eyes but at our intertwined hands.

She didn’t answer with words but I can feel her nodding.

“Will you...” I paused trying to find the right worlds. But I really couldn’t find one, or, I’m not sure if these are the right words but I just have to go with it. “Will you tell me what you’re feeling now? What bothers you? What’s the nightmare about?”

Finally, I took a glance on her face. Her expression were hard and pain, and she looks like she wanted to say something tell me everything to prove that she trust me, but she’s also looks afraid that whatever comes out her mouth will hurt me.

“I don’t — I can’t Stiles.” She settles.

“Why? At least tell me why.”

“I —“ she tried to pull away her hand but I didn’t let her.

“Please.” I plead, putting out my soul for her to see. I feel like I’m kind of being unfair to her in this situation but... I need something.

I waited for a few seconds till she finally speaks, “Because I know you.” She paused for a moment, bitting her lips in defeat, “I know that once I tell you the whole story you’ll blame yourself for whats happened to me, but these is not your fault, these can never be your fault.”

She made another stops, looking so vulnerable, her eyes started to water again. “I just ruin all the things I touch Stiles.” 

_That_ , sends an arrow directly hitting my heart. I’ve heard that phrase before, she told me that before, I can’t believe it still hunts her.

“You don’t — you never have, and you never will. Believe it or not, you’re one of the most selfless person I’ve ever met.” I paused, holding her hands tightly. “You love to put a headstrong and cold facade, but you only do that to protect others from pain and hurt. You always keep things to yourself just to save others.” 

Her eyes were watering so much that tears started to fall from her eye. 

I wipes it for her and held back her hands after.

I’m not sure if I should tell her this, but she also needs to know, so I continue, “Lydia... I already blame myself for what happened to you, even without the whole story. I know that we — that I’m somehow the reason you did what you did —“ I feel my heart clench a bit saying that. _Ahhh, saying that truth stings to the heart._ It made chuckle painfully somehow, _“_ I was so full of myself. Always thinking that I know you the best, but not noticing the change inside you because I was so preoccupied and busy with my blooming love life — how can I not see that I’m part to blame.

I think nothing can change that anymore... but I promised to the grave of my mother that I’ll be strong for you — for me. I need to understand Lydia, I need to help you, I have to get you back.” I finished. 

_Wow_ , swearing something on the grave of my mom is something that I don’t really do but... I have to. 

Lydia needs to understand how serious I am with her — with how much I feel for her.

She looks down at our hands that made my heart clench, thinking that she’s going to try and shut me out again, but then, she started nodding her head and looks back at me with full understand and said, “O... okay.” All ready to tell me her story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for cutting this, I’m in the works of chapter 13 and is just editing... I’ll be able to update this in no time hahaha
> 
> Well I hoped you enjoyed that cliff hanging chapter.
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... since Lydia will be telling her story and it’s going to be long, I just decided to italicize her dialog.
> 
> Sorry for the cliff hanger on the last chapter, I just felt like to give justice on Lydia’s story, I have to place it in a solo chapter. So here ya go ☺️

It took one more big inhale and a painful exhale before I was able to start.

Stiles, he — he was just patiently waiting for me to start.

I’m not really sure where to start, or if I even want to start — I just have to... I mean, this is Stiles, he do and say everything sincerely, especially when it comes to me. So if he says that after I told him everything he will be strong for me — for himself — I have to believe him, he even swore on his mom's tomb... so... I should give back my trust on him.

_Sorry... I — I kinda don’t know where to start. I —_

I was only looking down at our hands, and every time I open my mouth to try and start, but then close it again, Stiles would press our hands together a little bit tighter, like he’s telling me that ‘it’s alright, take all the time you need.’. It’s warming.

So I started,

_When I told you that... I felt the same about you when you started to feel something for Malia — that’s actually wrong._

_I felt the same about you when we started to be friends, I just didn’t know it yet — or at least that’s what I made myself believe that time._

_When you started to feel something for Malia, that’s when I realized that I feel the same about you... that I started to slowly accept that I actually have the same feelings for you for a long time already._

I pause, thinking that he’ll say something about what I just confessed, but he just gave me a warm smile and let me continue. This time, I’m looking straight on his eyes and returning the smile to him.

_You probably didn’t know this but — you’re the main reason I manage to keep sane, when Jackson and I were having those ugly fights and eventually had a dreadful break-up._

_Allison she —_ I paused for a second, feeling a little pinch on my heart as I said her name. I have to swallow a building lump on my throat before continuing — _she was there as much as she can but she’s also dealing with her own demons so — but you, you’re just always there, doing all those stupid gestures._

_It was annoying, but it was what I actually needed, I was just never really honest to myself. And as time goes by, I didn’t even notice that, us being always together became my routine — became something important to me._

_Come to think of it, I think, I never even thank you once for what you did to me back then..._

_”_ You didn’t have too.” He interupte, holding my hands tight and making circles on my skin with his thumb.

_I ah... I was actually going to tell you how I felt but... I saw how happy and excited you were when you’re with Malia, experiencing all this new things, and I know how you have like me for so long — 3rd grade right?_ I side commented, remembering Scotts teases on Stiles when we were just starting to be friends. Stiles choke a laugh but didn’t say anything. 

I made a small exhale then continue, _it felt so wrong to ruin that, so I step back and just decided to be friends._

Another paused. I couldn’t keep a straight look on him, I suddenly felt embarrass somehow.

Those memories flashing to me — all the sarcastic comments I told them whenever I see then together being too affectionate with each other, the snarls, the countless rolling of eyes, the dissing moments just to hide my feelings.

I felt him squeeze our hands a bit but then let go to lace them together. I watch every move of his fingers, I didn’t even notice that I was continuing my story.

_I really thought I can just settle with that but... day after day — when our usual routine broke, when our ‘us’ time slowly gone, I suddenly felt miserable and lonely._

_It’s selfish, I know. But I_ _didn’t know what to do about that._

_I wanted to at least confine to my best friend, but... Allison’s starting to get over her break up with Scott and she still dealing with some family problems — so I didn’t. I pretended to be okay — I did what I’m always good at — pretending._

Stiles moves a little closer to me. I can feel the guilt starting to build inside him, but I have to continue... I gave him my word.

_But then my mother drop me the news that... we’re getting broke and that we are losing the house because my asshole father left mom with tons of debts after their divorce._

_We still have the lake house which we can sell to get back on our feet, but, it’s not easy to sell._

_So to help mom, I sold half of my closet and started to work as a partime tutor._

_“_ Sothose time _s_ when you _...”_ he tried to ask something but I already know what his question will be, so I cut him off with a sad laugh.

_Right. When I told you — everyone that I’m selling my stuff because I’m reinventing my closet, and that, my mom cut down my allowance for spending so much which led me to tutor dumb kids to get extra money for me to buy the newest bag and shoes I want — those were just my pathetic effort in lying and covering up the truth. It did work though, I think._

_It was not that bad at first... it also became my distraction from my growing feeling for you._

It made me stop from there, again, remembering all those days. It shock me to my core that I was able to do all those things — all the pretenting, the lies, the pains.

_I_ _really did thought that my help was enough, but boy, was I so wrong. I didn’t even know that my hospital bill from where I was in an accident when we were in sophomore year hasn’t been fully paid._

I then started to feel a burning feeling in my eyes as it started to water, but I hold on to my tears.

_I was working my ass off yet it was still not enough._

_It was so overwhelming — my life that is drastically changing fast... first, I couldn’t get the love that I want, then we’re losing money, but worst of all, I can’t tell my real friends what’s happening to me —_

_I wanted to vent out to someone, to tell my friend what’s happening._

_I tried, but... I couldn’t._

_Allison then is finally starting to be genuinely happy, same as Scott. And you — you’re finally getting what you deserve the most._

_I couldn’t ruin anyone’s happiness and be burden because of me._

_I just know that everyone of you will drop everything once I spill even one word of what I’m experiencing._

The pain in Stiles face is starting to show, but he kept silent and let me tell him what I need tell him.

_So I tried to find another way to release my misery._

_One night, I was driving away from Beacon Hills, just to cool my head off and try to run away from my problems even just for a minute, an hour — then I stumble to this club._

_I didn’t really intend to go inside but... when I saw these bunch of teenagers who are laughing their ass out and are getting wasted, I was reminded of how I was before — rich, carefree... happy... I wanted to feel like that again._

_I wanted to feel alive._

_So I got out of my car and went inside the club._

_One drink led to countless of shots from strangers who are either trying to flirt or pick me up. That actually brought a lot of confidence on me, made me feel that I still got it — made me think on why am I clinging on the feelings I have on you when I can get as many guys as I want?_

Stiles tenses a bit hearing that. And because I don’t want any tears to fall of my face, I untangled our hands and wipe the waters on my eyes.

_I woke up in a strangers apartment the morning after._

_I didn’t remember much of what I did that night, but I remember what I felt the entire night._

_I was free from all my problems, it was fun, it was so light, like I’m floating. I didn’t have to hide from my friend and be afraid when they found out the truth. It felt a little bit of heaven for me._

_I know that all of those were just illusion — the result of my intoxication, but_ _I wanted to feel like that again, even just for a little bit._

_So every weekend, I would come back to that place. But weekend became every 4 days, then become almost everyday._

_I just wanted to feel those feelings so much that it starting to become my addiction._

This time I was the one who move a little closer to him. He then grabs my hands again and squeezes like he knew what I’m starting to feel. 

The pain, the agony, the guilt. He knew that I’ll start to talk about my nightmare — about Allison.

_Allison she — she found out about my financial situation, and all the lies and pretense._

_She also found out about my little adventures. The drinking funs, my man plays, the drugs —_

_I don’t even know how she did, but she just did._

_I thought she would be so mad at me for not telling her all of it myself... but she said, she couldn’t get mad at me when I was going through a lot, she was just sad that I didn’t trust her enough to tell her what’s been happening to me._

_That it broke her heart that I couldn’t confined on her when she was my best friend._

_It broke my heart too — seeing her so sad._

_She made me promised to tell her everything from then on, and to stop my growing addiction._

_But that promised were all empty._

I was already sobbing without even realizing it, I just did when Stiles started to wipe my tears and held me close.

_I just couldn’t let go — I couldn’t let go of the feeling of freeness, the euphoria, the ironic calmness all of it is giving me._

_So I did my best to keep it from her — but she’s so good on finding out things._

I made another paused, trying to catch my breath from crying, but I continue still.

_that dream — that nightmare that’s repeatedly hunting me... is the night Allison died._

_I keep seeing myself inside Allison car while she drives to get me from that place — how her car crash and killed her._

_I couldn’t help but think all of it was my fault — hell, maybe it really is my fault._

_If I was just — if I kept my promised, she should still be —_

_Everything is my fault._

Stiles hasalready envelope me in a tight embrace, caressing my back to calm and relax me.

I was having a very hard time to breath, like I’m almost having panic attack.

Thinking and reminiscing all those things made it really hard for me to breath evenly.

Stiles started to tell me to be calm down and breath slowly, his voice were starting to get really worried, then suddenly, everything felt blurry and I couldn’t hear anything.

My hands is cleching on my chest, like it’ll help me to breath right, but it doesn’t. I feel like I’m going to black out any moment, until... Something wet and warm pressed over my lips.

It made me hold my breath. 

It made me forget everything in that moment, it felt like some kind of magic — something that is very hard to explain.

I didn’t even notice that I had my eyes close, I just realized it when the sensation was gone but still lingers a bit. 

I gave myself a few second before opening my eyes and being greeted by a relief Stiles.

”Yo — you kissed me.” I finally said.

”I did.” He said, holding back my hands and squeezing it tightly.

”why?”

”I had panic attacks before, and I know that, holding your breath could stop a panic attack, so when I kiss you, you held your breath.” He confessed, stealing a peck on my hands.

It warm me looking at him, at how relief he is that I calm down. I couldn’t help it and pull him in a hug — I just needed him closer than we are now.

”Lydia...” he said softly on my shoulder. I hum to him to let him know that I’m listening. “I know you don’t want me to say this but — Nothing is ever your fault... and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not realizing, I’m sorry for being a dickhead at times, and I’m sorry for not being there.”

I wanted to argue with him and tell him that there’s nothing to be sorry for, but I didn’t. So I just said, “You’re here now.”

”I am... and I don’t plan to ever go away. I hope that’s okay with you.”

It’s not even a question to me anymore. I wanted to say yes but my throat were dry from crying so I just nodded in his shoulders and held him much closer and tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see what I did there? (The panic attack and the kiss) 
> 
> Ohh men... this was a long ass chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed that. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts guys 🥰
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss me? Hahahaha
> 
> Sorry for not updating for soooo long, I have been very busy with work and all, almost always tired, so....
> 
> Well anyway, here’s an update. Hope you’ll love it.

_I can smell something minty, or was it earthly? I’m not really sure but I like the smell of it._

_I can also feel warm._

_Warm like safe, warm like home — and I’m loving it so much._

_I don’t remember the last time I felt like this._

_I don’t even know where this is coming from._

_All I know is that, I love this feeling right now, and I want to savor it._

_It just sucks that I‘m pretty familiar how good things never really last._

_So before any of this disappear, I hold onto it like it’s my life line —_ that... until I heard soft murmurs of my name that my eyes slowly flutter opens.

_Stiles_

I said his name very soft and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who heard it.

I knew the scent was familiar, and the feelings. 

I smile as I realize how close and crazy our position is; so tangled with each other, like rope tightly knot. 

Then he sleepily murmured again my name softly which makes my heart flutters so much, and makes my stomach filled with butterflies.

We’re already so close but I can’t help but hug him closer and tightly, and subtilely inhale his scent.

It scared me a bit when he stir from my hold, but he just actually pulled me close to him as well, inhaling my scent too.

I’m feeling really comfortable, even though the way we are holding each other was crazy, and we might get cramps sooner if we keep this up, but... it doesn’t matter.

Stiles kept on murmuring my name and saying some stuffs that I didn’t understand. _I_ _wonder_ what kind of dream he is dreaming.

Then a few minutes passes by and his eyes slowly flutters open, greeting me with his beautiful honey brown, whiskey toned eyes.

I’m dazzled.

The way the sun shines on his eyes makes me want to bang my head on something to not get imprisoned with his charms.

After a few soft blinks of his eyes and an obvious ‘expression of realization’ on his face, he panicky untangled himself off me which startled me, and pull himself off the bed, tripping and stumbling like an idiot.

I sighs deeply and rolled my eyes, thinking on how he ruin the moment with his annoying but cute reaction.

“I’m alright.” He said as he get up on his feet and balance himself. “Yep, I’m alright.” He repeated as he awkwardly look at me.

I sat up and look at him blankly at first, then after a sigh, I tap on the bed to tell him to sit down and relax.

”Sorry” he started, “for startling you and for being so surprised. I just — I didn’t —“ he paused and exhale loudly, “I thought I was only dreaming.”

_This really is the Stiles I know — my Stiles._

I couldn’t help but pull him to me and hug him tightly. 

I love this. 

I love the warm, the feeling of home, the feeling of complete, the feeling of acceptance. I love it — _I love him._

Stiles caress my back slowy and kisses the crown of my head that gives so much comfort inside me. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, making me confuse, till I felt the tears on my eyes.

”Sorry I just —“

”Sorry?” He cut me off, chuckling. “Why are you apologizing for crying?” He added, not really sounding like a question, so I didn’t say anything yet.

He then lean back to look at me, and wipes my tears away.

“Remember what I told you before? You look beautiful even when you cry, so never be sorry for it, okay?” He gave me the most warming and caring smile, then kissed my forehead that made me melt inside. _God, I love this person so much._

 _“_ Thank you.”

”For what?”

”For being you, for staying with me, and for choosing to love me, always.”

I might have shed tears again since Stiles been wiping his thumbs near my eyes. He gave me another kiss on the forehead and hug me close.

”Always” he said, like some kind of a promised.

* * *

* * *

“You’re smiling a lot nowadays, you’re glowing, kind of like, blinding. I like this progress.” 

It has been almost a week since I have opened up to Stiles. 

Everythig seems so light and cherry after.

I didn’t even know that I started to genuinely smile and laugh at times. People around doesn’t forget to remind me though.

Stiles have been getting praises from the nurses, as well as the kids he was volunteering to take care of. 

He’s happy.

I’m happy.

“Why does everything you say sounds more of a bad news than good?” I reply, eyeing Morell suspeciously.

”Don’t worry, that’s just my voice. I do believe that this is a very good progress and you might get out of here much earlier than planned.” 

“I sure do hope so.”

I was getting cheeky and is been imagining a lot of things on what I should do after I get out of here.

_Dates? Diffenitely lots of dates — with Stiles of course._

_I wonder how he will react if I’ll be the one to ask him to? Cause you know, this is Stiles we are talking about, he’ll diffenitely think that I won’t go on a date with him even if I already told him I love him, so, I know he wouldn’t ask first._

_Where should we go?_

_What food should we eat?_

_Should I kiss him goodnight or not let him leave at all?_

All this stuff is going around my head.

I even extend it to living together at college. 

I know I haven’t been in school for quite a long time but, I’m a genius. I can still definitely go to any college I want.

I was walking almost pacing around the hallway, smiling like an idiot. 

Stiles is still at the childrens ward, and I thought of going there to surprise him.

Everything seems to be going in the right direction.

Everything seems to be alright — that until, my eye caught a very familiar sight, a very familiar person... walking around the corner of the hallways.

“Allison?” I called. 

I stopped and was frozen from where I was standing. 

_No... no, no, no — this can’t be right. How —?_

She turned to the corner and I was able to get a glimps of her face. It almost gave me a panic attack — it’s her! 

“Wait! Allison —“ 

Finally, I was able to move from where I was standing and run after her.

I called for her again, but it’s like she can’t hear me, and no matter how fast I run, I can’t seem to catch up on her.

I tried to called her attention again and finally she look back.

I almost trip on my own, surprised on seeing her face. _It_ _really is Allison._

She smiled at me and walks away again.

”Wait!” I followed her till she got inside this massive room.

Every corner of the place looks dusty, this rooms seems like have not been use for a very long time, this place also seems like something like a storage room.

I wonder why the room is open and not locked.

”Allison.” I called, wanting her to face me.

” _You_ _can_ _never forget about me —“_ she said, her voice sound cold and sad.

”What?” I was utterly confused. I took a step towards her but she move away. 

She’s still not facing me but I can hear her whimper and cry.

”How could you make plans and think of your future without me in it?”

”What?” I was stunned. My mind when back from all the thoughts I had the past few days.

She’s right. 

Her name, even her face, never ones come up in my head after I had opened up with Stiles. 

All I ever think after, is how I could be happy with him.

 _Was_ _that really selfish? Was that_ _so_ _wrong_?

I couldn’t let her think that I really have forgotten her completely, so I step towards her again to and tried to touch her but — 

_”— You’ve taken my future. You should not have yours”_

And just like that, she disappeared like a ghost hunting me. 

“No, no, no!”

I know she was gone, and I know that this must have been all in my head but, I have to try and find her.

So I look on every corner of the room, but found nothing.

”No, no... Allison.” I was already crying like crazy and having a hard time to breath, but I couldn’t care less.

_I have to find her and tell her that I didn’t completely forgot about her — that she’s still and always will be my bestfriend, my sister._

After more than an hour of looking for nothing, my feet went weak that I couldn’t even stand.

I fall on the ground and tried to control my breathing — but I couldn’t.

 _I need to find her,_ I told myself like I haven’t look around on the same room for more than an hour now.

_But how can I?_

That’s when I found something glimming on the ground.

Something like a shards of broken glass.

I almost crawl towards it as my feet haven’t gain it’s energy.

I took a piece of the glass and looked on both my hands where the marks of stitches from where I cut it very visible.

I positioned the glass over my wrist and put a pressure in it. I should feel pain but I didn’t.

When I saw my blood coming out, a vision of Stiles appeared in front of me, whispering words, telling me to stop.

_Sorry... I’m so sorry, I have to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo! That was intense right? 
> 
> I know this was not a good chapter, it broke my heart too.
> 
> I’ll try my best to update fast, please don’t be angry 🥺
> 
> Let me know your thoughts ☺️
> 
> Kisses 😘 - Camille


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter to tease you guys more hahaha

It felt like someone suddenly whispered something on my ear... like someone was calling me — like someone was crying for help.

I was still with the kids when that heavy feeling on my chest — my heart, started.

I would want to ignore it, but I couldn’t. 

_There’s no way that something bad is happening right? — not in here._

_“_ Hey buddy, want to show nurse Andy your drawings?” I told _Patrick_ , one of the kids from the ward.

As I look at Patrick walking excitedly to nurse Andy, I turn to the hallway and walk fast to Lydia’s room.

I don’t want to assume that this heavy feeling I’m feeling is because of Lydia — that something might have happened to her, but this feeling I have is not so strange to me.

I’ve felt this before. 

I just wish I’m wrong, _please let me be wrong._

The halls suddenly felt so long, and her room seems so far, so I ran, and when I finally got to her room — it was empty.

I tried hard to think where she could have been and remembered that she’s on session with Morrell, and that’s where I went.

Morells’ door was closed and the red light is lit, signing that she’s on session with a patient and that, she’s not to be bothered or interrupt.

It gave me a sigh of a little bit relief because this means that Lydia is inside, in session with Morrell and that she’s safe.

5 minutes pass but the feelling in my chest got heavier.

_No, no, no... you have to relax Stiles._

I waited a solid ten minutes till I can’t take it anymore and burst to her door without knocking.

”Sorry I just —“ I stop froze when the patient Morrell’s with is not Lydia. “Where’s Lydia?” I asked immediately.

Morrells’ face showed how confused she is with my question. 

“Where’s Lydia?” I repeated.

Morrells, composed herself and smiled at the patient then look back at me. ”Stiles, I’m on session with a patient right now. If you can please let us finish first.” She said, as she really don’t like to be interrupted when she’s on session.

Each second pass I’m getting more and more anxious. Everything is going to a direction I don’t want it to be.

 _History_ _likes_ _repeating_ _itself_.

“You don’t understand... When did Lydia left?” 

This time, Morrell showed more concern and worriy on me. “What do you mean Stiles?” 

It felt like my sight is slowly blurring, and my breathing is getting harder.

”Lydia left almost an hour ago, we finish our session early.” She added, as she slowly stand and walk towards me.

Before she can even get close to me, millions of things has already gone to my head — and it’s not good.

 _How_? I asked myself a lot of times.

_She’s getting better — she’s laughing, she’s living, she’s happy!_

_Or was that all my imaginations?_

_“_ fuck!” I run out of Morrells office not answering her questions and ignore her call on my name.

I run around the halls looking for any sign of Lydia — any trace.

I went back to the Childrens ward just to see if Lydia went there. I almost scared the kids with my looks and aura but I couldn’t bother to explain.

I check on the group supports room but she’s nowhere there.

I kept running around the halls even with the nurses calling me out and asking what’s wrong with me.

I just kept running... till — my feet stopped on it’s own. 

I was in front of this room — the door was big, old, and rusty. Seems like a room for storage.

There was a sight on the door to always keep it close and lock but the door was slightly open.

I kept my stand in front of the door. 

_Something is in there and I’m not sure if I’m ready to see it._

I place my hand on the door and push it slowly.

It is a storage, a big ass storage room. It’s too dusty that I have to cough when I entered.

It’s too dusty that it was hard to breath...

It doesn’t matter though — 

The moment I saw her — I couldn’t breath any longer.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was your Halloween guys? Mine was just dull and boring because of work.
> 
> Well anyways, enjoy this chapter ☺️
> 
> Ps. Anyone here reading my other fic “wolf in sheeps cloathing”? Sorry I haven’t updated that. It’s in indefinite haitus 😔

_Lydia_

_Lydia..._

_Lydia!_

_Ly —!_

I woke up trying to catch my breath and all sweaty in an unfamiliar room. 

It was dark, but I can see enough to know that I am again chained to a bed.

I was expecting my wrist to hurt, but I felt nothing. _Is this how numb I am now?_

But then I realized that there are no bandages on my wrist, not even an IV or a monitor. 

_What_?

I look around the place, but I don’t think I’m still at Eichen — I don’t think I’m also at a hospital. 

The chains on my wrists where long enough to let me sit up comfortably.

I just notice that there are actually no wounds on my wrists, not even a scar showing — _how_? 

“ _You shouldn’t be here you know.”_ The voice that spoke sounded like at stranger yet so familiar to me, I almost snap my neck turning around to see who spoke.

” _Why did you do that?”_ The voice asked.

”Allison? Is that you?” The familiarity I’m feeling from the voice is Allison, but I’m not entirely sure who owns it. 

I couldn’t really see the face of this person. She was standing on the far end of the room where the dim light can’t reach her.

” _Why Lydia?”_ she asked again.

I swallow lump on my throat that I didn’t know was there. 

I’m not really sure but I think she’s asking why I tried to kill myself — _twice_ _now_.

I really couldn’t answer her. 

If she’s Allison, she’ll be very disappointed on me for doing this to myself — and if she’s not Allison — who else would even asked me this?

She slowly walk towards me, as the light reaches her face. 

I gasped seeing the ghost of my best friend — my sister.

_Allison_.

* * *

* * *

She walks closer and closer, till her knees are touching the bed.

She sat on the end of the bed, looking straight at me.

”You still look the same.” She started. “Just a bit skinnier and pale.” She said with a small chuckle — like someone who just got back from a vacation.

”How —“ I almost choke on my own words, not being able to find the right words. 

I don’t even think I can comprehend what hell is happenning right now.

You know what’s weird though?

I keep wanting to see her, but seeing her face to face — I don’t know what to think or what to say.

”How are you here?” I asked.

She smiled sadly, looking down. "Shouldn't I be the one who's asking that?" Her voice were soft. If the room was not quiet, I don’t think I’ll be able to really hear it.

"What did you do Lydia?" She continue, "Why are you here?"

_Why_ _am I_ _here_?  
  
Where is this exactly?

I beat myself up on trying to remember what happened before I got here — then it hit me.

_I’m_ _dead_?

I look at Allison again. 

The disappointment in her eyes are pretty evident. “You're not happy to see me, aren't you?" I asked.

I was waiting for her to say something but, she just smiled sadly again. "Guess not." I added.

I wanted to get much closer to her, to atleast hug her — but she keep her distance at the end of the bed.

A frustrated sigh left me. 

Of course she’s angry — of course she’s not happy.

Even in afterlife, I hurt the people that I love.  
  
"What part of hell is this anyway? And why are you here? Why am I chain in the bed?” I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but it already slip out of me, so I look at Allison’s for answers.  
  
"You're asking me." She said.

This made me so confused. “What does that even mean."  
  
"What did you do Lydia? Why are you here?"  
  
"I... I" my memories were a bit blurry on why I did what I did. 

I know I cut my wrist again but — _You_ _can_ _never forget about me —_

Those words felt like a slap on my face. I didn’t even realize that I was already crying.

I saw her — I saw Allison.

  
"Did you... do you think that what happened to me is your fault?" _— You’ve taken my future. You should not have yours._

Those last words that she said to me before I... it suddenly kept replying in my head like a broken tape.

I couldn’t keep myself from crying more — that, until a warm and loving hand touched mine.

“Because I dont." She added. “I never ever, even once thought that what happed to me was your fault.”

She was moving her thumb in circles on my hand to caress and comfort me.

She even move closer to me now.

  
"Lydia.” She called, silently asking me to look her in the eyes.

She softly place her other hand on my face, wiping the stray tears. “I did what I did because I want to be the best friend I promised you I will be — I did it because you're my sister. And if I have to do it again and again, I would. I will never ever think that you stole my life or that you ruined me.”

_— You’ve taken my future. You shouldn’t have yours._

I just realize something.

Allison would never ever blame anyone on anything.

She always finds the good in everything.

I just realized... that the person I saw, the person who talked to me — was not Allison. 

It was my guilt.

"You should never — never ever think that it was your fault." 

I’m such an idiot.

I can’t believe I made an image of Allison like that because of guilt. 

I should have known her better, I should have — “I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

My tears were falling nonstop as Allison kept on wiping them.

She kept on hushing and caressing my hands — easing me.

  
"Hey... remember what I told you?" She was smiling and the disappointment I saw in her eyes ealier, is now all gone.

It made me ease a little, as both her warm hands are now in my face, caressing me softly.

  
"Smile, you never know, someone's already falling in love with you" she finished.

It then reminded me of Stiles.

Is he fine? 

Is he angry at me for what I did?

How’s he doing now?

Am I really dead? Will I ever be able to see him again?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big shout-out to @RememberTW, for her big support in this fic and for always making me smile with her comments 🥰🥰
> 
> We're almost at the end of this fic, and I’m happy with the work I’ve done.
> 
> Thank you for all the reads and kudos. See you on the next chapter 😉😘
> 
> Kisses x hugs - Camille ☺️

I have always been in love with one girl.

 _One_ _girl_.

Even on those times that I thought I didn’t...

I have always been in love with _her._

3rd grade.

When she first walk in class — with grace, confidence, beauty, intelligence and braveness. My world went on slow motion.

I remember when I first asked mom about _love._

She said... _love is everything you don’t expect._

_Love comes in the most unexpected time and the most unexpected person._

Then I would asked: if it’s something I don’t expect it to be and it comes unexpectedly then how do you know it’s love? 

_You just know._

I never really understand it.

But when Lydia Martin walk in that class — at a very young age, I knew that I fell in love.

The first time I knew about heartbreak, it was not when she got her first boyfriend.

It’s when she start pretending to like dolls and barbies, when actually what she likes were books that even a college student will have a hard time understanding. 

It’s when she started wearing make-up and pretended to be a nitwit just to get attention from guys who doesn’t even care for her.

It’s when she slowly drift off and started to hide her true self.

But I never stop liking her.

I think I even like her more... I wanted to protect her more.

I just need her to realize what’s her worth.

When we became friends that’s when I understand more about love — I don’t understand ‘love’ context wholly, but, I think I knew more.

I knew that I shouldn’t force you to like me...

I knew that I should just be there to support and understand you...

I knew that I should be your friend — your best friend.

And I knew, that I couldn’t live without you.

So no matter what type of relationship you can give to me, I’m going to be down for it.

But...

I guess I still crave to be love in a romatic way.

That’s why I dated Malia.

I did love her, you know. 

Just...

What I feel — the love that I have for you, is much stronger — much deeper.

* * *

* * *

”Stiles, this isn’t healthy anymore. I know you like her but you have to take care of yourself too.”

 _Like_? _I don’t just like her... I love her, I love her so much._

 _”_ Stiles... son, please.”

I haven’t been eating, really.

Sleep? I don’t think I can.

Everytime I close my eyes, I just see her. So lifeless, so dead.

They’ve been trying to get me home, but, I can’t be away from her. 

Never —

I need her close.

at least — till she breathe her last breath.

_Lydia, wake up._

_You have to wake up._

_You need to wake up._

_I’m slowly losing my mind._


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Yes this is the last chapter, thank you very much.  
> This has been a pain in the butt, but I survive.  
> I would like to thank again everyone who supported and followed through this fic.  
> I may or may not release a new fic for the same OTP very soon,,, HAHA
> 
> Well,  
> Kisses and Hugs!! - Camille

"You're thinking about him aren't you?" Allison pulled me out of my reverie.

"What?" 

"Stiles" She said, smiling like she figured out everything and boasting about it. "You know, even before you realized that you have some feelings for him — I already knew about it."

"Some feelings." I murmured, which Allison still heard. She looked at me waiting for an explaination. "I wouldn't call it 'some feelings' — not now. I mean, this should be something deeper right?" I paused. It was not really a question, and Allison perfectly understand that, that's why she waited — waited for me to continue.

"He makes me want to do the right thing.  
He makes me happy even though I don't usually realized it — But he does.

He makes me want to be better.  
He makes me want to love myself."

I made another paused, thiking — thinking how to put my feeling into words to make things have sense. But — does it really have to make sense?

A lot of things doesn't make sense between the two of us, and it okay. 

It's okay.

It doesn't need to make sense, it doesn't need to be so organized — it doesn’t need to be so expected, it doesn't need to be so clear.

All that matter is how we understand each other, and how clear our feeling is to each other.

"He - I never, in a million things, ever thought that I could be this attach, this happy, this in love with a goffy, annoying, impossible person — never." I finished.

I finished with a sad smile. 

He love me — always. 

And I’m hurting him.

Always hurting him.

"Then why are you still here?" Her question make me stop and look at her confused.

"What —?” She was smiling, looking at me like, like I’m acting dumbly. Then thungs just clicked, “I'm not dead?"

"You wouldn't be here if your dead."

"Then what — How? —“

"The lydia I know, don't asked a lot of question. She figure things out - She always figure things out."

* * *

* * *

"Stiles..."

"I'm not leaving dad."

"You need to let Natalie have time with her daughter." Dad was practically pulling me off my seat.

It's been a week now.

No one can even give us a reason why Lydia hasn't woken up yet.

I've been sitting on the same spot ever since then - beside her bed, holding her hand tightly.

"It's alright Noah. Stiles is not bothering me - us. I think... Lydia would like for Stiles to be here."

I look at Mrs. Martin for a second.

She's as tired as I am.

I don't know how or why - but I'm just so glad that she's not kicking me out of Lydia's room.

"at least go home to shower and sleep." Dad still insisted. 

When I didn't even flinch from my seat, Dad just sighed defeatedly, pat my back and walk away. 

"Thanks, Mrs. Martin." I said, as I take another glance at her.

She smiled at me sadly with many emotions hiding inside, as she softly pat my shoulders.

"I'll go get us some coffee." She said.

It's been quiet most of the time.

The only noise filling the room is the beeping sound of the monitor, letting us know that her heart is still beating - that the woman I love is still alive.

That until the beeping noise of the monitor went on range, alarming that her heart is slowly giving out.

"No! no! no! no!" I stood up, panicking. Shouting for someone, anyone to come.

"Lydia, you can't -!" everything is becoming blurry again. I was startled when someone suddenly pull me away, as doctors and nurses rush to check on Lydia.

I'm so tired of watching this over and over again.

I'm so tired not being able to do anything. "Please - Lydia -"

* * *

* * *

A loud crashing sound filled the room.

"what was that?" I asked.

Allison look around the room before saying. "I should go, I can't be here anymore."

"What?" _You're leaving me again?_ I wan't to say but kept my mouth shut.

Allison sighed, smiled and held my hand tightly. "Stop asking question, and start finding the answer. Lydia, you have to get out of here - you hear me. You better be out of here, and back to Stiles, or I won't forgive you ever."

She paused giving me another smile and started to caress my hands. "And don't even think that this is me saying goodbye or that, I'm leaving you again.

This is me saying that we will see each other again. Not soon but we will... plus, I'll always be here." She finished placing a hand on my chest, and then pulling me for an embrace.

"Remember, I love you." She murmured over my shoulder.

A shed of tear left me as her words deeply pierce my heart. "I love you." I said back.

* * *

* * *

_But if the world was ending you'd come over right?_ _You'd come over and you'd stay the night._

_Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fear would be irrelevant._

_If the would is ending you'd come over right? The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight_

_  
And there wouldn't be a reason why_ _we would even have to say goodbye._

_If the world was ending you'd come over right?_

_Right?  
_

_If the world was ending you'd come over right_

_Right?_

A year pass by like a wind pass by a window.

It was kind of blurry, but then so clear.

It's hard to explain really.

It felt like a dream and it felt so real.

It makes me laugh and it makes me cry at the same time.

It makes me sigh deeply and it makes me stare at nothing.

But I'm happy - I'm contented.

Living with the love of my life who loves me so much has a lot of perks.

"Chinese egg-roll for the Strawberry blond goddess"

"Ohh god, shut up!" I said, laughing at my goofy fiance who's making faces to make me laugh more.

I couldn't help but make an embarrassing snorted laugh which seems to have amused him.

"Ahh, I love your laugh." he teased, moving his eyebrows up and down.

_Ahh, this is the reason why I live on._

There are a lot of times where I still go back and think of what I have done to myself - thinking that what I'm doing is for my sister, but I was actually just doing it out of guilt and have been hurting everyone.

I woke up with Stiles beside me.

His tears have dried up and his soul seems to have left him.

But when he saw me - when he saw my eyes opened, it's like, all the heaviness he was carrying all alone have been thrown away.

And as I promised to my sister. I stayed, I strive to get better, I live - not only for me but for the people around me who loves me.

It still took me a year before I could finally get out of Eichen. I was monitored 24/7 and Stiles was kicked out a week after my cuts healed completely. He made a big scene when Morell told him that his 'Support Buddy' days are done (It was kind of funny, actually) - I took a lot of convincing from me before he willingly go.

It was a bit hard adjusting to life after Eichen.

But It didn't matter, because I have him - I have my Mieczyslaw 'Stiles' Stilinski.

"And I love you." I told him.

"I love you." He mimicked, pulling me with the best hug ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got addicted to the song 'If the world was ending' by JP and Julia so... See what I did there? haha


End file.
